tom cruise buys asian baby!?!

OK, I bit.

I'm ashamed to admit that I went to Barnes & Noble today just to pick up the new issue of Vanity Fair with exclusive photos of the TomKat spawn. I feel dirty even typing the word: TomKat. Jesus, Mary and Josephine Baker: Has it really come to this?

Flipping through the 84-page photo spread (don't laugh; the new issue weighs more than the Oxford English Dictionary — unabridged), I sure got my $4.50 worth of voyeuristic delight. God bless you, Annie Leibovitz, for sharing your talents with the hungry world. How clever you were in these unforgettable compostions. Here's little TomKitten perched on Joey Potter's bosom. Precious! Here she is lifted to the heavens, like a tussle-haired sacrifice to the gods. Adorable! Even more creative, here are the beaming parents laughing with their pea-sized bundle of joy — except, the three of them are all in a bed! Together! I swear, it's like a candid lifted from the private Cruise-Holmes photo album. I feel blessed to be part of this intimate family moment. Thank you, Joseph Nicéphore Niépce, for inventing permanent photography. You've truly given my life more meaning.

But amidst all this unbridled happiness and outright elation, I'll have to say that one thing does bother me. Joey Potter's last pullquote from the package: "I think she has Tom's eyes. I think she looks like Tom."
And it's true: The spawn does bear some resemblence to her doting dad — but not in the eyes. Not with that Mongolian slant.

Why, a less trusting soul might suspect there was a turkey baster and a healthy payoff in Singapore somewhere in Suri's not-so-distant past, but not me. I'd never stoop that low on the feeding frenzy. These are celebrities, and they deserve our respect. And even if they don't, even if we might suggest that the whole marriage photo spread is just one wildly extended publicity stunt, there's now the life of a hapless infant caught up in the showbiz spectacle.
Little Suri didn't ask for any of this. Not Annie Leibovitz. Not Graydon Carter. And definitely not her wacko parents.
Seeing these photos of the little one smiling uncertainly, I have to think: Enjoy the innocence, the ignorance, while you can. Because, mark my words: It's only going to go downhill from here.